What is Co-Parenting

Natalie was 19, cute, bubbly and blond.  She had been raised in foster care and now, so was her daughter, making the little nugget of a girl we picked up from children's services a third generation recipient of state family services.

 Over the six or so months that her daughter was in care, Natalie and I forged ahead into a relationship.  We had her for dinner in our home many times, picked her up for weekday trips to Walmart, and talked nightly on the phone when she called to blow goodnight kisses to her toddler daughter. 

It wasn't until years later when we re-licensed for foster care in another state that we first heard the word "co-parenting".  We didn't even know what they were talking about at first.  When our instructor began explaining the concept to us, our eyes lit up. "Oh, we've done that!  We didn't know it had a name!"

Dr. John DeGarmo, a leading expert in the foster care system, explains co-parenting this way.

"When a foster parent shares the nurturing of a foster child alongside the birth parents and caseworker, reunification tends to happen at a quicker and more successful rate. Co-parenting sees you, as a foster parent, working alongside the biological parents of the child living under your roof and with your family." (1)


For us, with Natalie, co-parenting was deeply involved and relational.  Relational was what she needed.  In other co-parenting relationships, we have sent notes in diaper bags at visitation, cheered parents through parenting classes, offered teething tips to young moms, and supervised visitations.  We send photos via text, ask clothing and hair preferences, and, with children from other cultures, make sure we are honoring cultural traditions, foods and music.  As much as parents allow us, while protecting the integrity of our family, we step into their lives. 

Co-parenting has shocked some caseworkers into joining us at the dinner table and been commonplace to others.  Some parents have ushered us into their brokenness, glad for the support, and we've been rejected by others.  We have learned that we're not responsible for the response, only for extending the invite.

While co-parenting might, at a glance, seem a noble fruit of the gospel in foster care, it has at times made our lives, uncomfortable, interesting, and entertaining.  My four kids in the back of the van, I once quickly flicked the radio to blasting just to interrupt statements about intimate positions coming from the passenger seat.  At 6 and 8 years old, our two oldest nodded wisely when subject matter typically far beyond their years came up in conversation. Teenage pregnancy, abuse, drugs... They grew up learning how to live the love of Jesus.

As Christ followers, we are compelled to go the extra mile.  It is not a matter of, "I must do this..." but, "thank You for providing this open door to step into for Your glory".  As much as Christs has loved us extra, the more-than-we-deserve, that same heart of the gospel enables us to do the same.





(1) DeGarmo, John. “How Can Foster Parents and Birth Parents Successfully Co-Parent?” ExpertBeacon, 2017, expertbeacon.com/how-can-foster-parents-and-birth-parents-successfully-co-parent#.XCbCOlVKiM8.